LORI TULLY • COUNSELING CONSULTING COACHING
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Open your Doors!

3/28/2020

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​Invite them In
Social distancing.  We have been ordered to keep a safe distance apart during this global pandemic.  Avoidance can help us stay healthy, and it may spare others around us from becoming sick.  The Coronavirus is, after all, a most unwelcome guest.
Emotions Submerged
But what about the costs and benefits of emotional distancing?  Avoiding our emotions may keep us free, at least in the short term, from the pain and discomfort that comes from facing them directly.  Typically we’re surrounded by distractions designed for exactly this purpose--to consume our time and attention while keeping difficult emotions and unpleasant realities out of sight and out of mind. 
Pushing aside our feelings can temporarily calm conflicts with others, as well.  Like trying to hold a beach ball underwater, however, not voicing our anger, worry or disappointments in relationships is usually only a temporary fix.  The emotions will inevitably pop up again, unexpected and full of energy, in another time and place. 
Visitors from Beyond
In his poem “The Guest House” the 13th century Persian poet Rumi encourages us to invite our emotions into our awareness, to address them, and to trust we can learn from them.  He urges us to risk opening ourselves to all of our feelings, both pleasant and difficult. 
“Welcome and entertain them all!”  Rumi writes.  “Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.  He may be clearing you out for some new delight.” 
This practice requires courage and patience.  It requires digging deep, opening fully, and as we say in counseling, “trusting the process”.
Clouds, Thunder and Enlightening
A wise counselor once coached me to develop relationships with each of my emotions.  He compared uncomfortable emotions to storms—ones that gather energy, grow increasingly powerful, even frightening-- and then eventually subside. 
I practice this attitude of acceptance by conjuring up images from childhood summers spent on lakes in Maine.  A sunny summer afternoon suddenly interrupted by clouds.  Winds whipping the leaves, then flashes of lightning, and thunder.  Sheets of rain dramatically sweeping across the lake as we huddled on a porch or in a neighboring camp.
If you share my love of the outdoors then you can recall similar storms—how  fresh the air smelled after the rain passed, and the sight of the steam rising from the warm, wet earth.
Learning to Dance in the Rain
At the “head level” we know that life’s sunny days can only be fully enjoyed when we can better accept and even relish the rainy ones. 
With intention, practice, and time we can learn to relate to our emotions like summer storms.  As Rumi reminds us, we can “be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”  We can learn to dance in the rain.  
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Answering the Call of Diagnosis

6/1/2019

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​                                           The Call of a Diagnosis

Has your life or that of someone you care about been affected by chronic illness, pain, or a life changing diagnosis?  The answer is likely “yes.”  Four family members and at least as many friends come to mind when I ask myself that question. 

So when I sat down with Samantha Reid and Nick Adriance of Saco Bay Physical Therapy recently to talk about the biopsychosocial approach to health and wellness, I was gratified by what they had to tell me about cancer rehabilitation and pain management advances here in Maine.

                                                  The Journey

Like the professionals at Saco Bay Physical Therapy, I work with individuals who are seeking support following a diagnosis, accident or injury, as well as those who are living with chronic pain.  Many are searching for new ways of living, working, and relating to their condition and to others. 

The people I work with describe sometimes feeling as if they have been dropped into a foreign country without a GPS, an understanding of the language, or a tour guide.  Significant and unwelcome health news impacts not only their day to day functioning but also the futures they had imagined for themselves and their families. 

Because of the far-reaching reverberations such a change can bring, the initial shock of a diagnosis is typically just the beginning of the adjustment process.  Often there are a series of subsequent losses and changes that affect my clients directly as well as impacting those closest to them.

Invisible conditions pose added challenges.  When people “look fine” it can be difficult for others—even those who know them best—to understand what is driving their reduced physical activity, their fears, and the fact that there are times when they are feeling anything but “fine”, despite their physical appearance.

                                            Hazards Along the Way

Medical treatment can also require adjustments.  For example some treatments produce side effects ranging from pain during and after the intervention to fatigue and/or damage to tissues and joints, resulting in decreased energy and functioning. 

Post diagnosis, many of my clients explain that they grapple with concerns related to their self image and confidence, and worry that others will perceive or treat them differently. 
Nearly unanimously the individuals I work with say they want understanding, not pity.  At the same time they don’t necessarily want to being singled out as being somehow “heroic”.  Most just want their condition to be acknowledged for what it is--one part of who they are.

They are also seeking to make sense of their diagnosis, and to better manage its impact on their moods, hope for the future, overall mindset and their relationships, as they move forward with their “new normal”.

                                            The Road Back

The road to acceptance or recovery can be made smoother by connecting with community resources, including face to face or online support groups with others navigating similar challenges.

Saco Bay Physical Therapy provides a range of resources geared toward physical recovery and pain management.  ReVital, as one example, is their innovative approach to cancer rehabilitation.  It is designed to safely and effectively help individuals manage their symptoms and the side effects of their treatment, while improving physical functioning. 

The ReVital therapists are experts at managing pain related to muscles, nerves and joints, and—perhaps most importantly--they bring as much compassion to their work as they do medical expertise. 

                                                Meaning from Mud

Following her Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis one of my clients got a large, intricate and colorful tattoo of a lotus in bloom on her forearm.  The flower curls upward from a mud colored background where the initials “M.S.” are inscribed.

My client is in the process of adjusting to what her condition means for her, and how it may shape her life going forward.  Her tattoo is a part of this young woman’s effort to come to terms with M.S.—and it is one of the ways she is sharing that growth with the world in a very visible way.

In many cultures the lotus is a powerful, sacred image.  To my client it represents her ability to thrive no matter what is going on inside her body or around her, much like the lotus draws strength from the mud and transforms that muck into new life. 
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The lotus blossom is a beautiful symbol of the resilience of the human spirit, and the promise of what time, patience and caring can produce. 
 

 
Many thanks to my client for permission to share her story and her lotus flower photo.  And thank you to those at Saco Bay Physical Therapy for your ongoing collaboration.

For more information about Saco Bay Physical Therapy’s ReVital program please visit:  revitalcancerrehab.com.  Other Saco Bay P.T. programs and their locations can be found by going to sacobaypt.com.

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Disk Connection

3/17/2019

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​It’s Spring time, time to come out of hibernation. And while winter in Maine posed its usual challenges, it also provided at least two unique opportunities to re-connect with nature, friends and neighbors, and our sense of wonder.

The great black hawk—only the second of its kind ever spotted in the United States—became the star of Deering Oaks Park. A native of Central and South America, the “celebrity bird” inspired birders and non-birders alike to leave our desks, screens and woodstoves to view and photograph this rare, valiant visitor. 

Then there was the giant spinning ice disk in the Presumpscot River. According to a physics professor at the California Institute of Technology most disks of this kind are 20 to 30 feet across.  The one that formed in Westbrook and grabbed attention from around the world was estimated at 300 feet across, and almost perfectly circular. 

On the cold Saturday we visited the ice disk—with friends from Bangor and Old Orchard—it had attracted a smiling crowd of admirers chatting excitedly about everything from the science behind the phenomenon to its not-of-this-world beauty. 

While on the one hand I was enjoying these opportunities to connect, I was also reading two powerful studies about how increasingly isolated we are all becoming, and the threats that being disconnected poses to our mental health. 

CIGNA’s study on the “Epidemic of Loneliness” reveals the importance of in-person interactions and the right balance of sleep, work, socializing with friends and family, and “me time” in order to protect against feeling lonely and depressed. 

Johann Hari's book “Lost Connections:  Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression—and the Unexpected Solutions” echoes this theme (thanks for the recommendation, Ken--great read!).

Hari provides an in-depth look at what he calls the “Nine Causes of Depression and Anxiety”, each of which contains its own potential antidote. He makes a compelling case for our culture’s over emphasis on the biological causes of depression and anxiety and how meaningful reconnection—to other people, to work, and to our values—is a critical and “different kind of antidepressant”. 
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The black hawk and the ice disk provided two awe inspiring reminders to seek more meaningful connection in our lives. To get out into nature, disconnect from our devices and to reconnect with one another. 

​Spring time will surely bring many more of these opportunities, if we just take the time to look for them.

Lori Tully - Offering "coach like" therapy to clients in the greater Portland, Maine, area.

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Bend Don't Break

1/1/2019

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Bend Don't Break

Flexibility is a sign of resilience.  Think of tree branches after a heavy Maine snow storm. Those that bend will not break under the weight.

How flexible you are may depend on the situation--and how important you believe something is.  You may feel flexible or even indifferent to some "curve balls" in life, but react very strongly to other events. 

What are some clues you may be at risk of "snapping" in reaction to something unexpected, or in the face of a situation that doesn't go your way?  You can check in with your thoughts and words.  Are you insistent about what "must" happen next?  Are you personalizing a situation or interpreting it as unfair?

Our bodies also often contain clues. Physical tension may accompany rigid beliefs.  Notice where the tension is occurring, and how your breathing is affected. 

A useful counseling goal can be to examine where your thoughts and beliefs are the least flexible.  Learn how to recognize where your "all or nothing" thinking occurs, and to how to expand your thinking and responsiveness in those areas.

And remember: the best time to grow your emotional flexibility is now--not when the Nor'Easter starts to blow!

Lori Tully - Offering "coach like" therapy to clients in the greater Portland, Maine, area.

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